I hate this feeling of not knowing what will tomorrow bring, or how can I face this life with all this dread and discomfort? How can I even see a tomorrow when it doesn't seem worth living? I have our two girls here on this crazy earth with me and they are the ONLY thing that keeps me a bit sane... I am losing hope and I am falling into this dark abyss that seems full of thick quick sand that each day is a struggle just to stay above to catch a breathe or two... I feel like I am dying inside and I am struggling to fight for what life I do have left! This is more than just because God decided he needed my hubby, it has to do with the way this new life is and how everything seems to be falling apart day by day!
I am beyond sick of living with others and tired of the way my lil girl don't know which end is up , she has changed a lot since her daddy has passed away and it is ripping me to shreds , I can't stand putting her in situations where she doesn't even know where home is anymore... She is so confused and at times all I want to do is beg God to please just pick us up and let us be with Mason again!!! I am falling so deep into depression it's crazy! I just want to lock myself from the world and hide ! This is not a life , this is a horrible hell! I need my husband back and I need my childs life back ... I can't stand the changes that have happened in the past 3 1/2 months! I feel locked away from what we once had and I can't even try and get it back!!!! I do not want this life, I want the life I had before !!!! That life includes Mason, Natalie, Baby MomO , and myself ... All I ever needed was my family and God... Now all I have is God and my girls!!!! No one understands me and most women in my shoes are so consumed of this world and who they can love next ... I quite do not care anymore!!!! I am so lost and I want to run outside and throw my hands to the sky and ask God "WHY, WHY ME AND WHY OUR BABIES AND MY HUSBAND?" I need you God so bad , I am falling falling falling , I can't let this keep on like this something must change, All I am asking for is please just give us our home .... or give us our home with Mason and you... I am at my last bit of hope... My heart and soul are crumbling, my family don't even understand me and when I want to talk about the one person that means the world to me they want to shun me and act like nothing NOTHING was said!!!!!! I just need our home and our girls ... I would love to have Mason back here with us and I know that is possible because you (God) said , "All things are possible with God!" But I wouldn't want to do that to Mason, because I know he is at rest and waiting peacefully for us to join him.... So I will ask please just open up a door to our home , I want to be in our home with our babies.... I love my lil family so very much!!!!!
