Preparing for Baby #2 Arrival

   This post is a lil off the subject lately, but I am becoming a bit nervous as time is quickly approaching Mason Olivia's big arrival! Her due date is September 16th, I do feel she may come a lil bit earlier so maybe the end of August beginning of September! We'll see!!!

  We had her baby shower on her daddy's birthday, we received a good bit to start us off (Thank you everyone who came and gave us MomO's gifts)! We got a good bit of outfits and baby products, like, shampoos, diaper creams, diapers (sz 1, I ask for no newborns), wipies, bottles, ect... You name it we most likely got it !

  My mother went to target ,about 2 days after the shower, with me and we bought MomO's carseat! I will post links below of the products for which I am using for her carseat and where you can locate them as well to purchase them if you wish! I wanted to use something this time around that would support our lil bundle's head a bit more than Natbug's (1st baby) did! So we went with the "Baby Trend Flex Loc Car Seat in Liberty" it was reasonable priced! I did want to go with the pink mist one (same brand), though no where in Alabama seemed to have it in stock.. Then I went to Esty.com for her strap covers. The shop name on ESTY is "RolyPolyPlace", she was really great! I ordered the 9th of July and received them by the 11th!!! Really pleased with the product as well, the minky is really soft! Then for head support , I simply went to Walmart and bout the "Child of Mine Duo Head Support" (owl style)...

Picture of finished product::

...Links...

 

Carseat:: http://www.target.com/p/baby-trend-flex-loc-car-seat-liberty/-/A-14263641#prodSlot=medium_1_1

 

Strap Covers:: http://www.etsy.com/listing/130270906/sale-car-seat-infant-carrier-strap?ref=sr_gallery_6&ga_search_query=SALE+Chevron+Car+Seat+-+Infant+Carrier+Strap+Covers+5.5%22+-+Riley+Blake&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_ship_to=US&ga_search_type=all

 

Duo Head Support:: http://www.walmart.com/ip/Child-of-Mine-Duo-Head-Support-Pink-Elephant/20710813?product=Norton

 

"Where To Go At A Dead End"

 I hate this feeling of not knowing what will tomorrow bring, or how can I face this life with all this dread and discomfort? How can I even see a tomorrow when it doesn't seem worth living? I have our two girls here on this crazy earth with me and they are the ONLY thing that keeps me a bit sane... I am losing hope and I am falling into this dark abyss that seems full of thick quick sand that each day is a struggle just to stay above to catch a breathe or two... I feel like I am dying inside and I am struggling to fight for what life I do have left! This is more than just because God decided he needed my hubby, it has to do with the way this new life is and how everything seems to be falling apart day by day!

 

I am beyond sick of living with others and tired of the way my lil girl don't know which end is up , she has changed a lot since her daddy has passed away and it is ripping me to shreds , I can't stand putting her in situations where she doesn't even know where home is anymore... She is so confused and at times all I want to do is beg God to please just pick us up and let us be with Mason again!!! I am falling so deep into depression it's crazy! I just want to lock myself from the world and hide ! This is not a life , this is a horrible hell! I need my husband back and I need my childs life back ... I can't stand the changes that have happened in the past 3 1/2 months! I feel locked away from what we once had and I can't even try and get it back!!!! I do not want this life, I want the life I had before !!!! That life includes Mason, Natalie, Baby MomO , and myself ... All I ever needed was my family and God... Now all I have is God and my girls!!!! No one understands me and most women in my shoes are so consumed of this world and who they can love next ... I quite do not care anymore!!!! I am so lost and I want to run outside and throw my hands to the sky and ask God "WHY, WHY ME AND WHY OUR BABIES AND MY HUSBAND?" I need you God so bad , I am falling falling falling , I can't let this keep on like this something must change, All I am asking for is please just give us our home .... or give us our home with Mason and you... I am at my last bit of hope... My heart and soul are crumbling, my family don't even understand me and when I want to talk about the one person that means the world to me they want to shun me and act like nothing NOTHING was said!!!!!! I just need our home and our girls ... I would love to have Mason back here with us and I know that is possible because you (God) said , "All things are possible with God!" But I wouldn't want to do that to Mason, because I know he is at rest and waiting peacefully for us to join him.... So I will ask please just open up a door to our home , I want to be in our home with our babies.... I love my lil family so very much!!!!!

Smiles (hide the) Pain

  Today I have a heavy heart , thinking of all the things I once had and now I don't have! Truly the only thing I have left is my lil ones and our home that we cant even live in... Why couldn't it be different , what could it have hurt for my husband to stay here with us ... I just don't see how this life could be better or a life with out him here! God I need help to understand this and why you have such plans for us , why didn't you just take us as a family? Maybe you could have just gave us a 2nd option and tested our faith with each other ! I hate feeling so helpless and my security is completely obliterated ..... I have nothing but a strand of thread to hang onto and day by day it feels like it could snap into ... I just couldn't see leaving my lil ones , but yet this so called life isn't a life when the man I love has been ripped out of my grasp!

 

 I am falling apart and I just want my life back the way it was !!!!!!! Please dear Lord just wake me up and let our daughters and my life be back to the way it was with the man we love at our side! I'd give anything even a decade of my own life to have his given back to him ! Please God I am begging you to just give him back to us , this hurts so badly and it won't ever be the same without him here!!! I just can't do this without him, Lord! I am falling apart and I can't do this to our babies... Guide me and show  me what to do because I am lost and I need to see a glimpse of your light and know that my husband is right here walking this out with me and our babies....

 

 Anna Cluck

"I'm Always With You"

  I love waking up from my dream and knowing I spent it with you, Mason , it was short and sweet, I'm sure I had others before it but the ones with you are unforgettable! We were running on a main road behind vehicles and we were holding hands , I was kind of leading you as you were following and holding onto my hand, I would look back at you and I remember thinking (we spoke with thought) this way. Then we spotted your dad in what I thought was a lil white car, but ended up being a big white truck. We ran over to where he had pulled over to pick us up and you went all the way around the other end but still came to get in on the same side as me. We were sitting in the back together. Once we climbed in and your dad shut the door I layed as if I was below you a lil and you lowered your hand and arm down to where I was and I joined my arm with yours as if we were holding on to one another by our forearm softly , like you were saying I'm here, I'm here, and I got you ... I remember looking at our arms inter twined and thinking how special a moment this is and just admiring the love I felt between us as if you were telling me no matter where I go or what I do you will always be there by me as though we are apart of one another and our love can't be separated.. Two hearts that beat as ONE truly and one soul that was split for the two of us so we would end up ONE... I love you Mason Singleton Cluck...

I love seeing you in my dreams and knowing we can still be together while I wait to be with you and never to part.

 

Anna Cluck

 

"Pink or Blue?"

  Well I truely was hoping for a boy, and I was truely determined it was going to be a boy .. Though God had other plans , so her name is "Mason Olivia Cluck"! Yes it's a GIRL!
                        

 Mason- from her wonderful daddy that had to go home to the Lord! To prepare his family the best of the best up there for when we are able to join him ...

Olivia- I was torn up thinking we hadn't got to choose a girl name together since we both were so certain for a boy... But then , I remembered what Mason wanted our little Natalie Grace to be named. He originally loved the name "Olivia Grace" and I just had to have her named Natalie so we bumped Olivia and used "Natalie Grace"... So now I will name this sweet angel after her daddy and the name he thought was just beautiful! So she is a "Mason Olivia"!

Our babies have such sweet memories that I will share with them , their daddy had a heart of gold, not a day passed by that he didn't play and hold his Natalie, and I know deep down that right now as Mason Olivia is growing in mommy's whomb she is reciding with her daddy in heaven playing and soaking up all his gentle hugs , til she's ready to come face this world with Mommy and Big Sissy! My angels here are my babies, and my angel that awaits me in heaven is their daddy, my husband, Mason Singleton Cluck! What a day awaits my daughters and me, that day when we awake to eternity and his arms spread wide open just aching to hold us , and the best part is that in that moment in that time , we will have ETERNITY!

 Thank you Lord for our many blessings! Two beautiful lil girls from the man I love with my whole heart and soul! I love you Mason , WE love YOU!!!!

                     

Our nephew , Noah, kissed by our sweet Natalie!

Our beautiful neice, Kaylee, hugging our Natalie!

 

Pictures from Mason's cross 4/17/2013

 

 

Anna Cluck

 

"When Does It End"

  I am trying to stay strong for my little girl, Natalie, and our unborn baby .. For if I didn't have them to push me along in this thing called life , I don't know if I could have made it a day after finding out I had lost the one person that meant the world to me , their daddy! I've heard countless times , "It gets better in time." Well what if I don't want it too? I just can't see it getting better, BETTER would be having him here beside me at night and kissing me when I least expect it and putting his arms around me from behind and whispering, "I love you, Anna!" Oh, how I miss those words streaming from his lips... I will not ever see how time will heal because whether others understand or don't , I woke up in this life, this nightmare... Literaly woke up to hearing two kind officers tell me the worst news I could possibly ever have to hear! I lost my love, my childrens daddy, my husband, and my soulmate to this thing we call life! I do believe it is God's plan and God's will that my Mason had to leave us to go to his eternal home, I am just afraid that I will not be able to love him there as I did here and the thought of that just rips at my heart and it's like telling me he died all over again! As far as I am concerned , there was two people in that car, two people in that casket , and two people in that urn... What am I here for ? Why did I live or did I? Why do I have the privilage of raising our beautiful babies, and not him? What caused God to need Mason before he needed me ... Then I begin to think well , I know I wouldn't want Mason to feel this pain ad grief I feel to this very day! I wouldn't want him to hurt, or cry! I'm not strong , I am literaly dying inside because I am stuck in this life , that I once thought was perfect , and now is falling apart in front of my face... How do I help my little girl and her little sibling know that their daddy loves them so very much and that he is with them every day... Why couldn't he hold his second child? This is like living in a horror movie and the thing that hurts is I have some that don't understand and think I am hurting myself... NO I'M NOT , I am hurting inside because I had to wake up to a life that is not mine, not my kids, we had a perfect little family Saturday, February 16th, 2013 , we had things looking up for us , a new home and our first night there, then the next morning my husband told me he was going to get us some breakfast , because we hadn't got our fridge put in yet ,and then told me he loved me , and he didn't come home! Or maybe I did wake up in an endless nightmare... This has to be worse than death itself! I am stuck and I will not and can not ever "MOVE ON"... "TIME will not HEAL"!!!!

I want to wake up and him be there holding me telling me it was all a dream and our sweet Natalie in between us and us family hugging :o)

Our babies need me and I am fully focusing on them and what they need ! I don't need time to heal anything that isn't healable! I'm forever 1/2 dead inside til I am in his arms again safe and sound!

I LOVE YOU MASON SINGLETON CLUCK!!!!

Anna Cluck

Heaven is Only a Glimpse Away.

    I do not recall much of the dream, I do know something had happened and you ,Mason, and myself were waiting on Natalie. We were a bit sad at first but when we saw her she came up to us and we all did our family hug! As we were gathered in each others arms, I felt this beautiful light full of gorgeous stars encircle us fully, and we began to acsend into the sky (roof of a building that quite looked like a hospital) . Then the next thing I know we were in Heaven , as we walked into Heaven, I saw Jesus to our left smiling , I do not remember his features but my soul knew it was he, Christ himself! Then we kept walking and everyone smiling , it was like a welcoming , yet the best most beautiful welcoming ever! I know I was thinking man it is beautiful here, and so peaceful! There are no words to explain the feelings I felt and the beauty that was all around! It was beautiful!


Anna Cluck