Living with A Broken Heart!

  I am in a struggle daily to fight for my life, and to keep myself healthy for our little one inside my whomb... My health is very important at this time in my pregnancy , and I feel like I'm in this tug-a-war game with myself! I have noticed lately a few things that are flagged with my health ... It is a day to day process living with out your other half! It's not easy and it is not replaceable... Nothing can ease the pain of knowing you have to wake up and face another day without them , and to force yourself to get out of bed and live , when all you want to do is just give up  ... BUT YOU CAN'T!

Things I have noticed that this process has done to my physical body with in this 1st month:
*Fatigue - I always want to sleep, dont want to get up though I have to it's a struggle to stay standing!
*Depression- Don't want to see any reason to live without him, but I know I have (2) important reasons to strive to live.
*Emptiness- I did lose my best friend! When you lose your husband/wife it takes a big piece of you and slowly tairs at whats left....
*Headaches- If I even attempt to stand up more than 10-20 minutes , I start to have really bad headaches..
*Chest tightness- felt like I couldn't breathe or like my lungs and stomach region were closing up it resulted in my throwing up.
*Shooting Pains- ONLY on right side from shoulder to foot.
*Nauseus - could be a lil from pregnancy
*Lip sores- raw spots on bottom inside lip

Right now I can't think of many more.. but I just feel like I am in a struggle to make myself strive to stay here while I also want to be with Mason... I am so confused lately about how I feel ..I am truely fighting ... I feel like I am slipping away and the thing is I am strong spirited , I have always been afraid of death ever sense I was a small child, but my heart is breaking so bad and I miss him so it is just ripping my spirit and will to fight straight from me... I love my babies and I want to have the strength to live for them ... I am so lost , I am in the middle and I wish part of me could be here for them and part of me with him!

I was asked to look up this site about the widowhood effect or broken heart syndrome..
Can you die from a broken heart? YES! Ladies if you are in the same situation as myself or even if you've lost your baby this can benefit you to read this... Take care of yourselfs the best you can ...

http://janderson99.hubpages.com/hub/Can-you-Really-Die-of-a-Broken-Heart

Anna Cluck

Are You Here?

 I was on my computer lastnight (3-11-13) it was around 11:40pm .. I thought I caught a glimpse of someone walking towards me in the corner view of my eye ( I was sitting facing the wall on the couch , TV to my right side) , I quickly looked towards the TV and nothing was there , the TV was on so I thought maybe it was someone on the TV... I went back to the computer and then I felt like someone was watching me, in my heart I felt Mason here with me .... I felt like I could talk to him , so I opened up , I turned towards our urn.

 I told him how much I missed him, and how I just wish he could be here with me. I told him how much I missed hugging him and kissing him.. I felt tears well up in my eyes and warm stream of little tears began to roll down my face, I just kept telling him , "I truely love you Mason!" During the whole time my heart was fluttering , I felt this peace and all the while I was talking to him , I got to the point I had to tell him I loved him once more then ... I heard a "POP" the sound came to me with the first thought being the sound of his ankle popping, the way he would pop it in bed just before we went to sleep , or when he would rest on the couch at home! I knew that sound and , I knew it was him! He had hurt it when he was young , he told me, and after it would bother him and the only way to relieve the discomfort was to turn his foot and pop his ankle... he barely would turn his foot and it would POP so loudly! .. I just know it was Mason! I believe God allows our loved ones to share a bit of their presence to let us know they are ok and love us and are awaiting our arrival...

"Until We Meet Again!" my love!

I LOVE YOU MORE THAN YOU KNOW!

Anna Cluck

HIS and ONLY HIS! (Mason's love, God's child)

  I know that I am young , so I've been told tons of times, and that thinking I will not ever love again, is apart of grieving ... I KNOW WITH A SHOUT OF A DOUBT THAT I WILL NOT EVER LOVE ANOTHER MAN (at all) IN THE WAY THAT I HAVE LOVED MASON! I am not and will not ever be open to another relationship , I am his wife and he is my husband ... I believe in my heart it is more than just "TIL DEATH DO US PART!" I am faithfully waiting for my husband , though I can't see him physically , doesn't mean he isn't with me .. He had a purpose and God had told me (I misunderstood at that moment) that the end was near and I didn't hesitate to help open Mason's heart to God's plan..

Would I change it if I would have know that GOD was showing me my husband was going to be with him soon? Would I have made sure that he didn't take him?

No, and no... I want my husband back to hug, kiss, and to love here physically just like the next wife , but I know that GOD had and has a BIG PLAN set out in front of me and I am here fully to fulfill his plan and to be here completely heart and soul for my babies! I know that I do not need a physical partner (hense why I believe God had set this out for Mason and myself to do).. I KNOW MASON IS THERE FOR ME AND OUR BABIES!

 I may be different from most people ... but I am meant to be .. so please except my opinion on going away from my marriage and God and give into what the human body wants, needs, ect... I am living only as a vessel and a mother now and I will not allow human wants to pull me away from God's plan ... I will be reunited in Mason's arms one day .. I truely am very thankful for all prayers and kind words and for those that have tried to help me and let me know about the grieving process, it has helped ...

May God Bless you and thank you for reading .. Much love Anna Cluck!

Your In My Dreams!

3/1/2013                                   In My Dreams


                                    
 Well I saw you in my dream lastnight! You were in a distance out a window , so I went searching for you ! I found you sitting near the top of what looked like movie theater seats , but these chairs were just for two people and I found you sitting up there in your wedding attire...

I took a seat to the right of you...

 

You began to tell me that you were in a beautiful, peaceful place waiting ... I wondered "WAITING?"

Though I said nothing , it's like you felt what I was thinking , and you said heaven ...

All of a sudden things changed to me trying to save everyone (family and friends and even strangers)from something ...

You disappeared and everyone was rushing outside to the boat that was awaiting to take people to a safe place and I pushed everyone to the boat and then when it feeled up I saw a helicopter in front of me and I had all others gather on it and I started searching for my dad , ... "Dad? Dad?" I screamed out ... I spotted him swimming to the helicopter , and I was so frightened he wouldn't make it so I jumped in after him and as I turned back to the helicopter I saw YOU (Mason) on a perimedic bed leaning up (in your wedding attire again) smiling at me and you looked so radiant... As the copter took off my father clung to a rope that ascended him up with it... I was so excited that I saved everyone and then I realized IM HERE!! then I woke up!

 

There are meanings to every dream and I truely believe it has to do with me spreading your story and touching lives , I am so worried about others making it to heaven .... I am at a loss without you baby but I know you are there with me each and everyday ... I am finally seeing you and hearing you in my dreams!!! I hope you visit our Natalie in her dreams at night... She misses you so so much!

 

I LOVE YOU FOR ETERNITY MY HUSBAND!!!